Explanation

This entry in an explanation to a previous entry entitled "1 month down, 11 more to go" posted on Saturday, August 2nd (click here).
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Be warned...this entry is long!!
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Firstly, the title refers to me living at my new place for one month already and my 1-year lease being up for renewal in 11 months.
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That day, and the days following up to it, was very difficult for me. I had a few conversations with people that upset me. Keep in mind though, I was already upset (I will not disclose what was said in those conversations).
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Let's travel back in time...come on you guys, jump in my Time Travel Machine!!
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After my dad died, I couldn't help but feel very lonely and empty. Living with Tamara's three animals helped cover-up how lonely I really felt. I bonded with her cat Bear over the years – when I felt like I was going to cry or felt the loneliness getting stronger, I would snuggle with Bear and the loneliness would temporarily (that's the key word) go away.
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What added to the loneliness is that I don't have friends living around me...someone to call me up and say, "Elena, I'm coming over...let's go for a walk...let's go for coffee", etc, etc.
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At that time, I was in a deep depression, so I did not pick up the phone to call anyone (except for my mom). The best way to describe that situation is like there was this dark cloud over me and invisible walls around me that stopped me from picking up the phone.
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Then when my mom got sick, the loneliness and emptiness magnified. That happened because I thought my mom was going to die, and since I don't have much of a relationship with my brother (that's my choice and for reasons I will not disclose), I thought I was going to be left all alone (I have no other immediate family in North America – I have relatives I've never met in Greece and Portugal).
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Fast forward to July 2008 when I moved into my new place...
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I thought it wouldn't bother me to live alone – I've done it before for many years. Boy, was I wrong!! Without having Bear or the other animals to "cover-up" my sadness and loneliness, reality hit me very hard!! The sadness within me was building over the month of July until that Saturday when I broke down sobbing and posted that entry (thanks Mary for listening to me vent!!!).
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Moving was made worse by my dad not being around. You see, he was the one that did all my "moving-related stuff" – he did things like take apart my bed frame, any handy work, etc. He didn't do it because I couldn't do it (I am quite the handy-woman), he did them because it made him happy to do it, so I let him. I am fiercely independent, but a part of me likes to be taken care of.
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So that's it – that's the story behind the "1 month down, 11 more to go" entry.
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So after that long crying spell that August 2nd weekend (yes, it lasted all weekend), I started to feel better...I released a lot of pent up sadness!!!
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Believe it or not, I do love where I'm living and I don't want to move. And for those wondering why I just don't get my own pet...there are two big reasons why I can't get one: 1) I signed a lease stating I would not have pets and 2) my south-facing suite is too hot to have an animal there all day (I get the sun into my suite during the hottest time of the day and I can't run my air conditioner all day).
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A lot of my sadness and loneliness is gone now that my mom is leukemia free. Now when I start to feel sad or lonely, I go for a walk (so far in the last two weeks, I have clocked in hours of walking!!).
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I warned you this was going to be a long entry. If you made it to the end of this entry, then congratulations!! If not, thanks for trying to stick it out...I still love you!!
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